I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i came on her dog
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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