I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
