Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
