Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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