My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
