You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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