1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I am morally bankrupt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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