Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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