I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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