I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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