Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
