Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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