Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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