6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
