dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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