Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
