Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
