a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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