I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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