i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
