i need an iv and a liver transplant
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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