I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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