So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
