Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
