did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
