I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
