Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I stole a fireplace last night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
