Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
