i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
