whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
