my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Boobs speak an international language.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize