Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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