are you still at the devil's house?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
