and you said cock pushups were impossible
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
