Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
