I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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