You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
