The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
