Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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