she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
