I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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