Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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