Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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