he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
