New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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