i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
