Plan B is the new Plan A
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
