1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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