I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
