I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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