So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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