I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
