I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
