Whod you bang
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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