well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
