he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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