i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
