non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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