i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
