Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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