the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
